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Friday, November 16, 2007

Cognitive Performance Enhancers

The scientific community was shaken today by the revelation that many of its luminaries had partaken in performance enhancing drugs. In fact many of the worlds greatest discoveries may have been a result of tainted brains.

It is not by mere chance that the Age of Enlightenment coincides with the introduction of coffee to Europe. Both Huygens pendulum clock and Galileo's improvements to the telescope both happened soon after the first Starbuck's opened in their respective countries.

Of course caffeine is just the tip of the performance enhancing iceberg. As you may have heard Nobel physicist Albert Fert recently submitted a tainted sample the Nobel prize governing body. "We found trace amounts of modafinil a non-amphetamine stimulant," stated Nobel official Ain Thatashaim.

The Nobel committee is still weighing all possibilities, but as it stands right now Dr. Fert may have to return the Nobel Prize.

Those familiar with the Nobel competition know that a culture of abuse has always surrounded the prize. Since the prize was first awarded 1901 an aura of suspicions has clouded the prize when winner for medicine, Emil Adolf van Behring, was found sprawled in his examining room with a syringe of pure caffeine dangling from his arm.

Jealousy over the attention and money paid to entertainers has forced many intellectuals into the shady world of performance enhancers. "We are doing the important work. We save lives. What does Brittany Spears do for the world," whines one scientist that wishes to remain anonymous. "Until the brain gets the respect that it deserves researchers will continue to enhance."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

City of Pine Lawn Makes Sagging Illegal

In an effort to crack down on gang activity in the fair city of Pine Lawn residents applauded the city council's recent decision to outlaw low hanging pants.

"It's like how they got Capone on tax evasion. The criminals are surrounded by many layers of subordinates. The Droopy-Drawers statute will allow our dedicated police officers to arrest and incarcerate the leaders of the the Pine Lawn underwear, I mean underworld," says the Pine Lawn police chief.

"I should not know what color underwear you have on," complains long time resident Ida Clair while pulling up her knee-high hose, "it's shameful what folks will do."

Always at the forefront of law enforcement a new officer will be added under the auspices of the Undergarment Task Force, that already includes one of the the nations only Bra Inspectors. If successful, other communities are expected to draft similar laws.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Genetic Link for Satire

Dr. Gita Klu announced yesterday the discovery of a gene that codes for the understanding of satire. LOL99, the humor gene, has been linked to the understanding and creation of wit. Individuals in which this gene is active demonstrate and ability to parody the creative work of others and accurately identify items that are ironic.

"I started looking for the humor gene after several of the jokes in my lectures just bombed. Extensive research had proven that these jokes were indeed funny, yet when delivered to my Genetics 280 class they just blew up in my face. It occurred to to me that perhaps the students in my course were lacking a sense of humor. It is only a minor leap in logic to assume that since the other senses are influenced by genetics then so too should the sense of humor."

Dr. Klu set up a series of experiments to determine the existence of LOL99. Mice were condition to expect a piece of cheese after successfully navigating a maze. Then researchers secretly replaced the cheese with a bad pun. Mice that expressed frustration were determined to be lacking a sense of humor. A DNA sample was extracted from each mouse and they were then given a copy of "Who Moved My Cheese." Amazingly, the mice that were lacking LOL99 were the same mice that actually read the book trying to determine the location of the cheese.

"Individuals lacking the gene experience frustration while watching The Simpsons and complain that Saturday Night Live has never been the same since the original cast left. They also tend to be Republican," states Klu.

Klu's research will be published in this month's issue of Ludicrous Research.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A Modest Proposal

For the third time in about a week I have come across articles referencing the outboard brain all originating from an column in Wired. With varying degrees of awe and loathing authors have discussed the phenomenon of using electronic devices to store information previously held in the forefront of the brain. Some even decry the technology as making choices for us. We are cyborgs, or at the very least we have our own C-3PO and R-2D2 traveling by our side at all times. I fear however that techno-phobes and Luddites will be left behind struggling to remember their best friends phone number. Or worse, not have immediate access to the filmography of Kevin Bacon, and thus losing nearly every match of Six-Degrees.

For these unfortunate souls I suggest not an outboard brain, but an outsourced one. What's the difference you say? Well an outsourced brain is relatively low tech. Considering the number of people living in impoverished third-world countries the potential work force is staggering. For only a few cents a day you could have your very own outsourced brain. Instead of C-3PO a Gunga-Din. Ready at a moments notice to provide you with all of the necessary information to participate in sparkling conversation and witty repartee. We all know how smart Asians are. Who better to take care of all of the mental toil.

Honestly, it was a travesty that the Chinese were used as cheap labor to build our railroads. Obviously they should have been valued much more for their mental powers than their physical ones. The Japanese have noticed this weakness in westerners and have even built games that reportedly help build mental dexterity. If they were truly cutthroat businessmen then they would let us flail about in our intellectual squalor and sell us devices and people that would supplement our failing brains.

With the third world taking over the tasks of the useful ten percent of our brains (respiration, circulation and other bodily functions would most likely remain in the realm of the original brain) we would be free to explore the other ninety percent. Within a few year I predict that we will have mastered telepathy, telekinesis, and astral projection.