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Thursday, July 24, 2008

School Staff Wins Lotto

Students at McMillon High School were surprised to today to arrive at school and find only one teacher. Last night the state lottery awarded a record pay-out of $325 million. The winning ticket was purchased at a QuickTrip a quarter mile from the school. Teachers at McMillon have participated in a lottery pool for the last two years and a clerk at the QuickTrip stated that each payday a teacher from McMillon would come in and buy upwards near 100 randomly selected numbers.

Though we are unable to confirm at this time that the teachers were the winners, certain circumstantial evidence indicates that this may be the case. The substitute coordinator for the district played a message for reporters this morning in which a chorus of voices can be heard exclaiming, "Suck it!" in unison.

A spokesman for the teachers union pointed out the irony, "When the lottery was first instituted in was sold as a way to help fund our failing schools. In reality that money went in as other money went out. If the teachers did win the jackpot, I think it is just a reckoning of the cosmic balance sheet."

Bob Shooda, the only remaining certified staff member, was found by students in the teachers lounge. The shattered remains of his "My Favorite Teacher" mug lying in a puddle of tepid coffee. He would later tell reporters that he just didn't have a dollar on him the day the staff bought the ticket. Apparently on his way to work that day he had stopped and bought a danish.

District officials are calling in all substitues and providing provisional certification to anyone willing to step into a classroom.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


While trying to exlain grades the other day, I pointed out that if you have a 100% and score a 95% on the test your grade will go down.

Student F: That's not fair!!!!!!!

Teacher: No it's not fair; it's math.