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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Top Career Choices For High School Students

1. Obvious Observational Meteorologist

Successful candidates must be familiar with the phrases: "It's hot/cold as a mug," and "Hey it's raining. All observations must be intuitively obvious to the casual observer and exaggerated to grand proportions for emphasis.

2. Hypochondriacal Urologist

Must be willing to diagnose bladder infections for any individual who has been forced to "hold it" for five seconds or longer. In rare cases urologist may reference diagnoses of fictional doctors or extremely knowledgeable family members that at some time previous has told them that they "have to use it."

3. Broad Interpretation Constitutional Lawyer

Though the interpretation may be broad almost all litigation will be focused on the first amendment and only a portion of it at that. A successful lawyer will steadfastly maintain that freedom of speech covers all speech, including, but not limited to, foul language directed at a teacher. Applicants will be occasionally called upon cite the separation of church and state as just cause for refusal to do an assignment. They are also fond of phrases: "I can say whatever I want", and "That's against my religion". (see Vague Theologian)

4. Logically Flawed Defense Attorney

A willingness to defend the downtrodden and mentally unstable is a must. All cases must be argued from the viewpoint that if more than one student has committed the offense then the act is excusable.

5. Corrupt Evidence Locker Attendant

Those filling this position are apt to "lose" documents of great importance and then proceed to produce a series of witnesses claiming that they indeed saw said documents in possession of the attendant.

6. PlayStation Sports Athlete

Scouts can recognize potential PSAs by examining the ration of self-reported skill to actual skill. PSA will detail feats that are only possible in a virtual world with a faulty physics engine.

7. Deconstructional Hair Stylist

Ideal candidates for this job are capable of removing synthetic hair from her own head thus creating plenty of work for real hair stylist.

8. Succinct Cultural Reviewer

This individual is always first to something "sucks." (note "sucks" can be replaced with the appropriate regional vernacular)

9. Vague Theologian

Can misquote the Bible at will and condemn others to hell based on this misinformation. However when questioned about the actual contents of the good book have little knowledge of what is writ within. They are also apt to say, "I'm not a Christian, I'm a Baptist."

10. Summer Vacation Planner

The most popular package amongst planners is a 5-6 week stay at a learning academy. While at the resort vacationers can expect to do pretty much they had done for the previous 9 months.

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