Cognitive Performance Enhancers

The scientific community was shaken today by the revelation that many of its luminaries had partaken in performance enhancing drugs. In fact many of the worlds greatest discoveries may have been a result of tainted brains.

It is not by mere chance that the Age of Enlightenment coincides with the introduction of coffee to Europe. Both Huygens pendulum clock and Galileo's improvements to the telescope both happened soon after the first Starbuck's opened in their respective countries.

Of course caffeine is just the tip of the performance enhancing iceberg. As you may have heard Nobel physicist Albert Fert recently submitted a tainted sample the Nobel prize governing body. "We found trace amounts of modafinil a non-amphetamine stimulant," stated Nobel official Ain Thatashaim.

The Nobel committee is still weighing all possibilities, but as it stands right now Dr. Fert may have to return the Nobel Prize.

Those familiar with the Nobel competition know that a culture of abuse has always surrounded the prize. Since the prize was first awarded 1901 an aura of suspicions has clouded the prize when winner for medicine, Emil Adolf van Behring, was found sprawled in his examining room with a syringe of pure caffeine dangling from his arm.

Jealousy over the attention and money paid to entertainers has forced many intellectuals into the shady world of performance enhancers. "We are doing the important work. We save lives. What does Brittany Spears do for the world," whines one scientist that wishes to remain anonymous. "Until the brain gets the respect that it deserves researchers will continue to enhance."