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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

My Glasses, I Can't See Without My Glasses

This blog is for my students, who through poverty or vanity fail to don the proper eyewear. I have chosen to write it in the largest font possible so that they may see it without squinting and leaving nose-prints on the monitors.

With monolithic mounds of anecdotal evidence and casual observation I have come to the conclusion that most, if not all, educational problems could be solved with glasses. Using my SmartBoard as an impromptu Snellen eye chart (That thing with the big E on top) I noticed that the desks in the classroom would slowly creep towards the front piled like bones outside a bear cave.

I work in an alternative program servicing students who have fallen behind in the traditional school setting. My hypothesis is that if these students had been properly diagnosed with visual deficiencies at an early age their entire academic career would be rewritten. Using generous helping of relativity, unified string theory, and the butterfly effect I plan on going back in time and distributing used eyewear that I have been squirreling away in the trunk of my car. Numerous scientific studies and great works of literature support both the reliability of time travel and the likelihood that glasses miraculously cure all educational woes.

I would like to discuss the case of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. Many of you may recognize that name as the star pitcher (Charlie Sheen) for the hapless Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League. This character merely exemplifies events that play out almost everyday in professional sports. Athletes with inordinate amounts of raw talent are miraculously turned into superstars when their coaches hand them a pair of glasses. They are the original performance enhancers. In Cooperstown there is a plaque, situated between Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown and “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, honoring “Lefty” “Slim” “Four-Eyes” Jones. Jones, whose first name is lost to history, was the first player to cross the eye-line. Until he was signed by the Dover Hawks no other player in professional baseball had worn glasses.

Due to my apparent lack of interest in scientific studies I would like to delve into another classic of American literature, Scooby Doo, Where Are You. A key member of an investigative team, Velma Dinkley donned spectacles to connote her obvious intellectual superiority. However, some contrivance of the plot would cause her to lose her glasses momentarily in order to nullify the distinct advantage she had over the masked baddy du jour. Her catch phrase, “My glasses, I can’t see with out my glasses,” is an obvious metaphor in which her glasses represent her investigative ability that allows her to “see” the true culprit. Invariably she would get her glasses back and save the day.

So it should be intuitively obvious to the casual observer, and I am admittedly more casual than most, that glasses fix everything. This is why I am proposing a massive government program that will insure that each student is provide with a pair of spectacles. If these ocular devises are bundled with a laptop computer and a massive surge in funding, then I will have no need of visual enhancements to foresee a substantial increase in student success.

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